Cause and Effect

Anyone who has struggled with a mental illness has probably experienced things that affect them more than other people. When you're depressed, a TV commercial can make you burst into tears that make the people around you stare in bewilderment. When you're manic, a cup of coffee or a bowl of sugary cereal can have you bouncing off the walls. And let's not even get started on alcohol.

Okay, I lied. But now I'm finished on the subject.

It's really easy to forget these things though. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, and it wasn't until late afternoon today that I realized I'd had two immense iced coffees in addition to my regular coffee intake. It never occurred to me when I was over-indulging in my delicious, delicious caffeine fix that it might haunt me later. At 3 am, it was most definitely haunting me.

Wooooo, I'm a ghooooost!

Obviously this sucks. A lot. I can't have a bit of extra coffee (or a gallon of extra coffee) on a day when I'm feeling laggy. I can't just enjoy a couple of beers and keep my head on straight. I sometimes tear up watching comedy movies because someone is being bullied in a way that's meant to be hilarious. And I cringe in embarrassment at the antics of idiots on TV, feeling like I'm the one doing those things, which is why I never got into Workaholics.

Sometimes I'll get incredibly overwhelmed by really small things. Needing to do some extra cleaning up, having to do an errand, or trying to get through a tough level in a video game can turn me into a stressed-out mess. And then, of course, I feel guilty about being such a mess because I tell myself that I should be able to handle these things like anyone else.

The truth is that I have a mental illness. I don't handle stress the way other people do. My brain is actually very different from a 'normal' brain, and there is no surgery or medication or magic spell that will change it. The National Institutes of Mental Health actually define bipolar disorder as a brain disorder. There are several differences between the brain of someone with bipolar disorder and the brain of someone without mental health problems, and not just the neurotransmitters, either. The article in the above link actually mentions that the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and judgment, is often smaller and less functional in patients with bipolar than those without.

Brain scans illustrate how differently our minds work.

It really doesn't matter if other 'normal' people can understand this, even if it is conveniently depicted in such a way that a child can see the differences. What matters is that we understand this fundamental difference between how our brains work and others' do. There's no point in comparing ourselves to people who don't have mental illnesses because it's like comparing a professional athlete to a politician-- their jobs and functions and lives are completely different. LeBron might be a great basketball player, but I wouldn't want him making decisions about foreign policy.

Not even with his lensless glasses.